


tides

by dinosar



Series: ripples [1]
Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Angst, Death and Rebirth, Immortality, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, immortal!Haru
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-28
Updated: 2015-07-24
Packaged: 2018-04-05 19:57:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4192929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dinosar/pseuds/dinosar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rin came and went like the tides, and all Haru could do was stand by and watch.</p><p> --</p><p>  <em>No matter what he does, it always ends in pain. Rin is like a fire, and Haru will never stop burning himself if it means he gets to feel his warmth―that probably makes him some kind of masochist, but he doesn't care. He does it because it's all he knows how to do at this point; it's practically become a routine by now.</em></p><p>  <em>Meet Rin. Be with Rin. Lose Rin. Repeat.</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the beginning of the end

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys im sar and this is jackass
> 
> hah, well......welcome to hell? this fic isn't gonna be all sunshine and daisies as i'm sure you can tell from the summary and shit, so if you can't handle angst, idk if this is the fic for you tbh
> 
> idk if i should tag major character death bc like?? rin dies a lot but he always comes back so?? does that count?? idk im a small gay meme forgive me
> 
> ANYWAY i hope u enjoy the first chapter :^)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tide /tīd/  
> (noun)  
> the way that the level of seas regularly rises and falls during the day. the tide comes in or rises, then it turns and goes out or falls, and then turns again.

Unsurprisingly, they meet beneath the cherry blossoms.

 

Rin loves cherry blossoms―this is a fact that has never changed. He finds them beautiful, and he's always sought them out whenever he felt upset or angry; Haru knows this well. There's been many a time when Haru has found him sitting at the base of a tree, brooding silently as soft pink petals drift down around him.

 

As blue eyes meet red, hundreds of lifetimes flash through Haru's mind, and his heart feels as if it stops for a moment.

 

Those eyes have never changed. They're always a brilliant, enchanting red―other things have changed, like Rin's gender or his hairstyle, but those beautiful carmine eyes have remained constant.

 

Haru both loves and loathes the color red.

 

Red is beauty, but also pain. It's those unruly strands of hair that always manage to hang in Rin's face no matter how hard he tries to tame them, but it's also the blood leaving his body as his life fades away. It's lazy days spent tangled together and laughing red eyes with a teasing voice, but also pain and loss and indescribable loneliness. It's everything Haru loves and hates―a true double-edged sword.

 

Haru doesn't remember how many times he's met Rin for the first time. Some are more distinct in his mind than others, like the very first time or the most recent times. He thinks it's been too many times, anyway.

 

He's thought about staying away. Sometimes he thinks that would be a lot easier, but then he remembers the times when his choice had been taken away from him and he can't bring himself to do it.

 

No matter what he does, it always ends in pain. Rin is like a fire, and Haru will never stop burning himself if it means he gets to feel his warmth―that probably makes him some kind of masochist, but he doesn't care. He does it because it's all he knows how to do at this point; it's practically become a routine by now.

 

Meet Rin. Be with Rin. Lose Rin. Repeat.

 

Of course, there's been exceptions. But Haru doesn't want to think about those, because somehow, they're more painful than anything else.

 

He's getting lost in the past―he needs to snap out of it. Because Rin is standing in front of him, and that's all that should matter right now. He can think about the inevitable pain that he'll feel later on.

 

When Haru looks into those red eyes, he finds tears.

 

Rin scrubs at his face with his sleeve, sniffling loudly. “Oh, I didn't know anyone else was here...” he mumbles, biting his lip. “This is embarrassing.”

 

Haru tucks his sketchbook and pencils into his bag before slowly standing, his heart hammering in his chest. His palms are sweating and his nerves are shot, but that's not important. Not when Rin's crying.

 

He clears his throat, willing his voice not to crack. “Are...” His voice comes out too soft, and he pauses before trying again. “Are you alright?”

 

Rin chokes out a laugh, wrapping his arms around himself. “Just peachy. Thanks for asking.” His voice breaks, his teeth sinking into his lower lip as sobs begin to wrack his body. Tears flood down his cheeks, and Haru doesn't even think twice before striding over and gently pulling him toward a bench, letting him sink down before sitting beside him and gently rubbing his back. He's sure it probably comes off as creepy or weird, but he can't help it―he can't stand seeing Rin cry like this. He wants to kiss the tears from his cheeks, but he knows for a fact that that's not a good idea.

 

Because Rin doesn't know him. He's a total stranger.

 

It's something that never gets easier to deal with.

 

“Sorry, I―my mom― _fuck_.” Rin tries to speak, but his words are lost to the violent sobs shaking his body. He's starting to breathe quite hard, and Haru knows he has to do something before he starts hyperventilating.

 

So he firmly grasps one of Rin's cold hands and says, “Look at me. Focus on my breathing, try to match yours to it.” Teary red eyes meet his own, and Haru breathes calmly, giving Rin's hand a gentle squeeze. It's cold and clammy, but Haru doesn't mind in the least―it's _Rin's_ hand.

 

He hasn't been able to hold Rin's hand in almost sixty years.

 

Steadily, Rin's breathing calms, his tears slowing to lazy dribbles down his cheeks as he starts to hiccup. With his free hand, Haru pulls his sleeve down over his hand and gently wipes at his face, drying the tears that are there. His heart is aching―he doesn't like the thought of Rin being this upset. He's always been one to cry easily, but this...this is clearly serious.

 

“Sorry, I didn't mean to lose it like that,” he says shakily after a moment. “Thank you for calming me down, I appreciate it.”

 

“It's no problem,” Haru replies, shrugging. He's trying to play it cool, but he doesn't know if he's doing a good job of it. “Are you going to be alright?”

 

Rin rakes a hand through his unruly red hair, a deep sigh escaping him. “I don't know, it's...” He takes a deep breath. “My mom is really sick―she's been in the hospital for a while now, the doctors can't find a way to make her better, and...well, the hospital bills are really expensive―” He cuts himself off, suddenly looking embarrassed. “Wow, I'm sorry, you didn't ask to hear my life story, I'm sorry for rambling like that. I'm sure you don't really care about a stranger's problems.”

 

_You're not a stranger_ , he wants to say, but he doesn't. He's sure it would only freak Rin out. Instead, he cracks the smallest of smiles and says, “Try me.”

 

Rin looks uncertain for a moment―he's clearly weighing the pros and cons of dumping his problems on a stranger, but he must _really_ need to talk about it, because he starts to speak once more. “Well, like I said...it's really expensive, and _obviously_ I don't mind paying because she's my mother and I'd do anything for her, but...I've already quit school, and the job I have just isn't really cutting it anymore. I'm probably going to have to find a second job at this point...”

 

Haru raises an eyebrow. “Don't you have any relatives that can help?”

 

Rin sighs, looking up at the pink trees around them. “Just a younger sister, but she's already paying for her university and I won't let her quit. She wants to help me, but I can't let her put her life on hold too, so...it's just me.”

 

Black brows knitting together, Haru shakes his head. “That's not fair to you.”

 

Rin chokes out a laugh. “Maybe, maybe not, but it doesn't matter in the end. I'll do whatever I have to do for my mom.” He takes a deep breath, peeking at Haru out of the corner of his eye. His cheeks are slightly red with embarrassment, and Haru can't help but think that he looks beautiful even though his eyes are still puffy and a little watery. “Thanks for letting me talk, I think I needed to get that off my chest.”

 

Haru feels the sudden urge to avert his eyes out a embarrassment, so he finds himself looking to the side instead of at Rin's face. “...I don't mind,” he answers, feeling his face heat up a little.

 

Rin laughs, leaning back against the back of the bench and looking up at the sky. “It's weird. I don't even talk about myself like this with my friends, let alone complete strangers, but...I feel really comfortable with you for some reason, almost like I've known you forever,” he murmurs, and Haru peeks back over in time to see his entire face go red as his head snaps forward. “God, that sounds really weird, forget I said that please.”

 

Tears prick at Haru's eyes, and he hastily blinks them away. There's no point in crying over that― _Rin doesn't remember him._ His soul _might_ recognize him, but...that's as far as it will ever go.

 

But thinking about that is depressing, so instead he lets out a soft chuckle. “It's not weird at all, I promise.” He pauses, trying to decide if he should ask or not, but in the end he decides to just go for it. He's got nothing to lose, after all. “When I'm upset...it usually helps to drink something hot. Can I...buy you a coffee or something?” he offers, looking down and fiddling with the hem of his thick wool sweater nervously. You'd think he'd be used to these first meetings by now, after having gone through so many, but the nerves never go away.

 

“That...sounds really nice, actually,” Rin answers after a moment, cracking a bashful smile. “I know a really great coffee shop that's not far from here...”

 

Haru tries to keep his relief off his face as he says, “Lead the way then.”

 

It's as they're standing that they realize they're still holding hands. Both of them go completely red, immediately letting go, and Haru _knows_ that this is only the beginning of the end, he knows it all too well in fact, but he doesn't _care_ because the pain of every ending is worth beginnings like these.

 


	2. the meaning of a nickname

Rin likes his coffee with only a bit of cream, Haru learns.

 

“I don't have much of a sweet tooth,” he confesses as they sit, placing their steaming mugs on the table. “I mean, sweet stuff is good every once in a while, but I definitely don't eat it every day.”

 

Haru hums into his tea, taking a small sip and wincing when it burns his tongue. Still too hot, it seems. “Sweet things are okay in moderation. I enjoy them, I just don't eat them much I suppose,” he shrugs, bringing his mug back to his lips and gently starting to blow on the liquid inside. “I do enjoy chocolate, though.”

 

He remembers the first time he'd tried it. Rin had been appalled when he found out that Haru had never eaten chocolate, so they'd immediately gone to the nearest confectionery and bought a bar to share.

 

A sharp pain goes through Haru's chest, and so he stops that train of thought in its tracks.

 

Rin cracks a smile. “Yeah, chocolate is good I guess,” he agrees, taking a sip of his coffee and nearly dropping it as he curses. “Shit, forgot to let it cool down!” he exclaims, face twisted in pain.

 

Surprising himself, loud laughter bubbles out of Haru's mouth, and he quickly covers it with his hands to try and muffle the sound. He figures it's because of the rush of seeing Rin again that he's having such a hard time reigning his emotions in―it's embarrassing, though.

 

“Hey, don't laugh, jerk,” Rin mumbles, but Haru can see the reluctant smile pulling at his lips. “..you have a really nice laugh, though,” he add, trying to sound nonchalant about it, but the redness of his cheeks kind of ruins his efforts.

 

Haru's heart beats a little faster at that, and his busies himself by taking a gulp of his tea. His _scalding_ tea. A muted yelp escapes him as he practically slams his mug back on the table, holding his mouth as his eyes tear up a little. Across the table, Rin is laughing like a hyena, clutching at his stomach and wiping tears from his eyes.

 

“...it's not funny,” Haru mutters, embarrassed.

 

Rin grins widely, resting his elbows on the table and laying his head in his hands. “You laughed at me for doing the same thing, so it's only fair that I laugh at you too,” he points out.

 

Haru doesn't want to admit that he's right, so he decides to blow on his tea instead. He's definitely not pouting or anything.

 

“You know, I just realized that we never told each other our names,” Rin says a moment later, sounding thoughtful.

 

Haru had forgotten that himself―it's hard to remember that Rin doesn't know Haru the way Haru knows him.

 

Glancing up to meet Rin's eyes, he swallows hard and murmurs, “It's...Haru. My name is Haru.”

 

“Is that short for something?”

 

Haru bites his lip. “...Haruka.”

 

Rin snorts. “Ah, I get it, you probably thought that sounded too feminine, right? Anyway, I'm Rin,” he replies. “It's a little girly, but it suits me just fine I think.”

 

Haru wants to correct him. He didn't shorten it because it was feminine, rather...it was a nickname that was given to him a very long time ago.

 

By a young boy with stunning red hair and eyes.

 

* * *

 

“ _Water man, what's your name?”_

 

“ _If I tell you, will you leave me alone?”_

 

“ _...maybe.”_

 

_Haruka sighs, shaking his head in defeat. “It is Haruka. Now go, shoo―I told you I am not supposed to be around humans, you little pest.”_

 

_The small boy with the wild red hair wrinkles his nose. “You know, you're really pretty, but you aren't very nice.”_

 

“ _I have no need for niceties, little human. Leave me alone.”_

 

“ _I have a name, you know.”_

 

“ _That is nice.”_

 

“ _It's Rin.”_

 

“ _I did not ask.”_

 

_The boy pouts. “You were really nice when you saved me, why are you so mean now?”_

 

“ _I did not realize that saving you meant that you would come here and pester me every week.”_

 

“ _I just wanna keep you company!” he insists, red eyes bright. “I figured it must get pretty lonely for you being the only one in this river all the time, and you're kinda cool even though you're grumpy all the time.”_

 

“ _I am fine on my own.”_

 

“ _I don't believe you,” the boy sings, poking Haruka's nose with a small finger. “So I'm gonna be your friend, okay? I don't mind if you're grumpy, I like you no matter what.”_

 

_Haruka looks down at him before closing his eyes and taking a deep, calming breath. “I am not getting rid of you anytime soon, am I?”_

 

_The boy grins brightly. “Nope! You're stuck with me forever now! We're gonna be best friends, okay Haru?”_

 

_Haruka's eyes snap open at that. “'Haru?'” he questions._

 

_The boy nods. “It's a nickname. Friends give each other nicknames.”_

 

_Haruka turns his head away, glancing back to look at the boy out of the corner of his eye. “Do not expect me to give_ you _one.”_

 

“ _Aww, come on! You can call me Rinrin! That's what my other friends call me!”_

 

“ _I am not calling you that, little human,” he says curtly. He's beginning to get irritated. “I am not your friend.”_

 

“ _You know, little human is kind of a nickname,” the boy points out with a grin._

 

“ _You are such a bother,” he sighs, clicking his tongue. “It is_ not _. You are a human and you are little, therefore you are a little human. Do not try and make it seem like it is a term of endearment.”_

 

“ _I think you're in denial.”_

 

“ _I think you are a brat and I am very close to drowning you.”_

 

* * *

 

He's brought back to the present by Rin waving a hand in front of his face. “You alright? You kinda zoned out for a minute there.”

 

Haru clears his throat, embarrassed that he'd gotten lost in his own thoughts like that. “Sorry. It's...nice to meet you, Rin.”

 

Rin smiles, leaning back in his chair. “Tell me about yourself, Haru,” he prompts, sipping his slightly-cooler coffee.

 

Haru fiddles with the handle of his mug. “What do you want to know?”

 

“Are you in school? What are your hobbies? Stuff like that.”

 

“I'm not in school,” he answers, taking a drink of his tea. “I'm a freelance artist. I spend most of my time making art, and...I really like being in the water.”

 

Rin immediately perks up. “You swim?” he asks, red eyes brightening. “I swam competitively in high school, it was great.”

 

“I don't swim competitively. I just like the water...it's where I feel free,” he tells him, shrugging. He doesn't tell him why he likes the water so much, because it would probably freak him out if he knew he was sitting across from an immortal water spirit, so he keeps that information to himself.

 

“Oh. I guess I can kinda understand what you mean, like...there's something really calming about being surrounded by water, isn't there? Swimming always made me think more clearly, so I used to swim a lot when I had something to think about.”

 

“The water listens without judging,” Haru says softly. “As long as you don't try to fight it, it can embrace you gently and wash away your troubles.”

 

In past lives, Rin would sometimes tease him gently about his attachment to water. It was never malicious, though―Haru realizes he must sound strange when he goes on about water the way that he does, so it doesn't surprise him. Rin has always just accepted it as a quirk and moved on.

 

“...wow. You really _do_ love water, don't you?”

 

Haru nods. “More than almost anything else in the world.”

 

Rin raises an eyebrow. “ _Oh_? There's something you love more?”

 

He nods again, more hesitantly. He's afraid Rin is going to ask what it is, but surprisingly he only hums and says, “Whatever it is, you must love it a lot.”

 

“It's...very important to me, yes,” he replies, tucking a stray piece of inky hair behind his ear. Clearing his throat, he turns the tables. “Enough about me, I'm tired of talking. It's your turn.” He's scared that if he says anything else, he'll say something he's not supposed to say and scare Rin off as a result.

 

Rin purses his lips. “Well...when I was in school, I was studying marine biology. I've always found that stuff kind of interesting, y'know? As for hobbies, well...I like to cook I guess? And video games are cool. And, well...” His cheeks redden a little. “I sing sometimes. Mostly in the shower, but...I like to sing.”

 

Haru figures that's not something he tells many people, judging by how embarrassed he seems, so he finds himself glancing away as he murmurs, “...if your speaking voice is anything to go by, then I'm sure your singing voice is great.”

 

Rin's mouth falls open in surprise, but soon it twists into a bashful smile. “You know, you're a really nice guy, Haru.”

 

Blue eyes widen slightly before returning to normal, and he schools his expression into a more neutral one. He's had too many emotional outbursts today―he needs to get himself under control before Rin starts expecting him to be like this all the time. Because that would, very frankly, be exhausting. “I don't know why you think that, but...thanks, I suppose,” he says softly, bringing his mug to his lips so that he doesn't end up grinning.

 

Rin raises an eyebrow. “Are you kidding me? Haru, you kept me, a complete stranger, from having a panic attack back in that park. You let me talk about what was upsetting me even though I'm sure you have your own stuff to deal with, and you even bought me coffee,” he points out, crossing his arms. “If you can't see how nice of a person you are, then you have no self awareness at all.”

 

“I didn't do it because I wanted to be nice,” Haru mumbles, strangely embarrassed. “I just did it because, well...you clearly needed it. I didn't want or need to be praised for any of that, I'm sure that it's not that special.”

 

Rin shakes his head in amazement. “You...” he begins, but he lets it trail off as he snorts instead, holding out his hand. “Alright, give me your phone.”

 

Haru's eyebrows knit together. “My cell phone? Why?”

 

“I'm going to put my number into it. Here, you put your number into mine,” he says, sliding a sleek-looking black phone across the table. Haru bites his lip, reaching into his bag to pull his small blue phone from its pouch. He rarely uses it―he really only got it so that he wouldn't be _completely_ out of touch with technology. As such, he doesn't even really know how to use it, let alone the _thing_ Rin owns.

 

“I hate technology,” he grumbles as he glares at the screen of Rin's phone, trying to figure out where he's supposed to enter his number. Does he even remember his number? He's sure there's a six in it somewhere...

 

Rin snorts. “Having a little trouble there, grandpa?” he teases, sliding Haru's phone back across the table to him. “Don't worry about it, I used your phone to send myself a message so that I'd get your number, since you looked like you were ready to throw my phone across the room.”

 

“I...don't really use electronics much,” he confesses, shrugging. “They're confusing.”

 

Rin fiddles with his phone for a moment before setting it on the table, and then there's a buzz coming from Haru's own. Puzzled, he slides it open, finding “New Message” displayed on the screen. He hits a button to open it, finding that Rin had sent him a message.

 

_From: Rin_  
Thursday April 4 th, 5:17 pm  
Dinner at my place saturday night? As thank you for today.

 

Haru glances up from the screen to Rin's face, finding it slightly red. Fighting the urge to smile, he returns his attention to his phone, slowly typing his reply.

 

_To: Rin_

_Thursday April 4 th, 5:19 pm  
You really don't need to thank me, but...I'd like that._

 

Rin looks up, grinning. “Really? It took you two minutes just to type that? It looked like you were typing out a novel over there.”

 

Haru looks away again, crossing his arms. “It's not a race or anything.”

 

The redhead raises an eyebrow in challenge. “Oh? And if it was, you're saying you'd win? Are you confident enough in your skills to bet another drink on it?”

 

Haru swallows hard. He has a strong competitive streak within him, but...he knows he'd lose this one. So he does the only thing he can. “I'd just win with no problem, it wouldn't be fair. I wouldn't want to make you cry again _and_ make you buy me a drink on top of it,” he says in a bored tone, glancing over.

 

Rin snorts loudly at that. “Ah, I get it, you're scared. Alright, fine, I won't humiliate you by winning and making you eat those words,” he teases with a smirk.

 

Haru only huffs, grumbling unintelligibly into his tea.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #actualgrandpaharu
> 
> again, here's my [tumblr](http://nehkoma.tumblr.com) so feel free to come yell at me abt rinharu or free! in general B)


	3. spirit of the river

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just as an announcement: you may have noticed that this fic is part of a series (ripples). basically what i'm going to do is create a separate collection of fics/oneshots to go into detail about some of their past lives. i'll be referencing them here, but they'll be fleshed out there, so look forward to that!

As soon as Haru closes the door of his apartment, he collapses against it. He's shaking, finally letting everything he'd held back since seeing Rin out, and he wraps his arms tightly around himself as he buries his face in his arms.

 

Fifty-six years. It had been a long, lonely time for Haru—painful, too. He'd been beating himself up over the last time he'd seen Rin, since, well...it hadn't exactly ended well. Rin had been so angry at him, and...he never got to fix it before Rin died.

 

He was only twenty-two that time. Not the youngest he's ever been, but definitely not the oldest either. It wasn't uncommon for him to die young, though—Haru had only seen him live until he was an old man a few times.

 

Haru had watched Rin die very many times.

 

It never got easier. You'd think it would, that maybe he'd become numb to it after so many times, but...if anything, it only got harder. By now, he's seen Rin die in almost every way possible.

 

Sometimes, he wishes he hadn't saved Rin from drowning all those years ago. If he hadn't, then he wouldn't have suffered the way he has—he would have lived in his river forever, alone and...content, he supposes. Not happy, but definitely content.

 

But if he hadn't saved Rin, he would have never known what it was like to love. What it was like to laugh, to cry, to feel.

 

He remembers the day like it had happened only yesterday.

 

* * *

 

_Haruka has lived for a very, very long time. As such, he's seen the rises and falls of many eras, along with many different people who have come to his river for water—he keeps it very pure, and as such, people are attracted to it. Sure, some have drowned, and he's never bothered to save them because why should he care about the life of a simple human, whose life is like the blink of an eye compared to his own anyway? He doesn't see the purpose in elongating something that is already so short. Plus, it's an undisputed rule that spirits and humans aren't supposed to interact in any way—spirits are meant to do their jobs taking care of the lands where they live and not interfere with human lives._

 

_But a flash of red moving through his river catches his attention. He's never seen a color so bright or beautiful in all the years since his creation._

 

_He allows himself to materialize next to the bright color, finding it attached to the head of a small human child. He can't tell the age since he doesn't quite know how to judge human age, but he knows the child is still quite young—a boy?_

 

_Leaning in closer, he tentatively reaches out a hand to touch that brilliant red. The child's eyes open the smallest bit, revealing even more of that incredible color, which startles Haruka. He'd been sure the child had already died..._

 

_A small, cold hand closes around his larger scaly one as those eyes slide shut once more, and a strange feeling comes over Haruka—he wants to...save the child. He doesn't know why, but he feels compelled to do it._

 

_So he does._

 

_Dragging the limp body to the side of the river, he pulls him up onto the rocks on the bank. His hair somehow looks darker out of the water, but it's still unlike anything Haruka has ever seen._

 

_Tilting his head to the side, he pokes the boy's cheek. It's soft and squishy, but it garners no reaction. Furrowing his brow, he does it again, but still nothing._

 

Humans cannot breathe underwater, _he thinks to himself._ Perhaps he's swallowed too much?

 

_Allowing his hand to rest on the boy's chest, he closes his eyes. He can feel a faint heartbeat, but also...water. A lot of it. Knowing he needs to get it out, he focuses on drawing it upwards. He watches as it begins to dribble out of the child's mouth before he starts to cough, rolling to the side and violently beginning to expel it all. Startled, Haruka slides back into the water, allowing only the top half of his head to stay above the surface. He doesn't know why he's suddenly so scared—maybe because he's done something forbidden by saving the child? Or maybe it's just because, well...he's never been so close to a human before._

 

_Silently, he watches as the boy weakly sits up, looking around for a moment before those brilliant eyes rest on him. He's ready to duck under and swim away, but then the child speaks._

 

_"Did you save me?" he asks, rubbing his eyes and sniffling._

 

_Tentatively, Haruka moves closer once more, nodding his head once._

 

_"Th-thank you, mister water man," he says quietly, wiping his nose. He goes to move closer and Haruka flinches, causing him to stop where he is. "It's okay, you don't have to be afraid of me," he assures him, slowly starting to move closer once more. Haruka holds his breath. "Can you speak?"_

 

_Haruka opens his mouth, feeling unsure, but finally decides that there's no real harm in speaking with the child. "I can," he murmurs, looking away. "You...should not play near the river, little human. You will drown." The water in his river runs very quickly—it's easy to be swept away by its flow._

 

_"I wanted to catch a fish," the boy mumbles, pouting. "I lost my footing, and then everything was cold and I couldn't breathe."_

 

_Haruka moves even closer, hesitantly sliding out of the water to sit beside the boy on the rocks once more. Glancing at him out of the corner of his eye, he states, "The water does not like you very much, little human. You should stay away from it."_

 

_The child raises an eyebrow. "Why doesn't it like me?"_

 

_"I do not know."_

 

_"Can you ask it for me? Tell it I said I'm sorry if I did something wrong," he pleads, turning his red eyes toward Haruka. "I think the water is great, I don't want it to hate me."_

 

_"I..." He feels the strange sensation of the corners of his lips moving upward—what is this feeling? "I will try my best."_

 

_Suddenly, the child begins to giggle. "Thank you, water man. You have a really nice smile, did you know that?"_

 

_Haruka tilts his head to the side in question. "A nice what?"_

 

_"Smile! The thing your mouth was just doing!" the boy exclaims like it should've been something obvious. When Haruka says nothing, his face grows solemn. "Haven't you ever smiled before?"_

 

_"I...cannot say I have," Haruka replies, his brows knitting together. "Why did I smile just now?"_

 

_He giggles again. "Because you were happy, and when someone is happy, they smile! Like this!" His small hands reach out towards Haruka's face, making him flinch as he feels small fingers pulling at the corners of his mouth. "There, now we're both smiling!"_

 

_"Happy..." he mumbles, his words muffled by the child's fingers that were still tugging at his mouth. "Is that what you call this feeling?"_

 

_The boy nods. "Is this the first time you've ever felt happy, water man?"_

 

_"I suppose so."_

 

_The child lets go of Haruka's face, slowly reaching out to take his scaly hand instead. He seems to marvel at the texture of the near-iridescent scales for a moment before grasping it more firmly. "That's kind of sad, water man. Don't you have any friends that can make you happy? I know my friends make me happy." He seems to turn bashful as he adds, "And if you don't have any, well...I can be your friend. I'm sure my friends would be friends with you, too."_

 

_Haruka sighs, resting his free hand on the child's head, feeling the wet red strands beneath his palm. "Little human, I am a spirit. Spirits are not supposed to have friends, nor do we need them. My sole purpose is to look after this river—I was not supposed to even save you, since I am not supposed to go near humans. As such, you cannot tell anyone that I exist...can you promise me that you will keep this secret?"_

 

_The child takes a deep breath before holding out his smallest finger. Haruka looks at him in confusion—what is he doing?_

 

_"Haven't you ever heard of a pinky promise?" the child questions, tilting his head. Haruka shakes his head. "It's like...a_ super _promise! Here, hold your pinky out like mine." Haruka does what he's told, albeit hesitantly, and then the boy locks their two smallest fingers together as much as he can with the webbing on Haruka's. "There, now you can be sure your secret is safe with me!" the boy says with a bright grin._

 

_Haruka feels another smile pulling at his lips, and while the sensation is still strange, it's not unwelcome. "...thank you, little human." Feeling almost...reluctant, he lets go of the child's finger and moves back toward the water. "It is getting late, you should return home now. It is not safe here at night," he cautions, not looking at the child as he speaks. He doesn't want to grow attached—the consequences would be dire._

 

_The child sighs before standing, shivering as he does. "Okay...thank you for saving me, water man, I really appreciate it!"_

 

_Haruka looks down. "Just...do not make a habit of falling into my river."_

 

_"I won't!" He gives a small wave that Haruka catches from the corner of his eye before heading towards the trees, and as he enters the forest, Haruka hears him call, "I'll come back and visit you soon!"_

 

_Haruka's eyes widen. "No, little human, you cannot!" he calls back, gripping the rocks beneath his hands._

 

_The child either doesn't hear him or simply chooses not to answer, because there is no reply. Haruka lets out a deep breath, grabbing the bridge of his nose before allowing himself to slide back into the water, his body dissolving to become one with it once more._

 

_Perhaps he wouldn't actually come._

 

* * *

 

But he had come. At first, it was only once every few weeks, but gradually Rin came more and more until he was coming every day. Haru had been very cold toward him for the first year or so, but when he saw that he really wasn't going to leave him alone, he realized it was pointless to try and push him away with his attitude.

 

Rin was only nine years old when they met. Haru hadn't realized it at first, but he'd been doomed from the start—he'd gotten attached the moment he saw that hair, but he'd tried to deny it. Obviously he'd seen him as nothing more than a friend when he was that little, but as he grew older, well...

 

Haru had fallen. He'd fallen hard. Before he even really knew what love _was_ , he fell in love with Rin, and their fates were sealed.

 

But he doesn't want to think of the past any more, not now when he's already so emotionally exhausted from the day he's had. Standing and murmuring a greeting to his small black cat as he walks past her. He heads to his room and collapses face-first onto his bed, taking a deep breath. He doesn't even bother to take off his shoes or coat before closing his eyes and allowing himself to sleep.

 

* * *

 

When Saturday rolls around, Haru is strangely calm. He spends the first half of his day working on art commissions, stopping around four o'clock so that he can start getting ready. Rin had messaged him that morning with his address and directions on how to get there, letting him know that he should be there by six, so he figures he should give himself at least an hour to find the place. Which leaves an hour to get ready.

 

He takes a (surprisingly short) bath before heading to his closet to pick something out. He gazes wistfully at the side of the closet that holds some of his and Rin's old clothing from throughout the ages, biting his lip and blinking back tears as his eyes rest on a tattered leather jacket. The shark logo on the back is faded, frayed and barely recognizable, but Haru has no trouble remembering what it had looked like before.

 

_Focus, Haru,_ he tells himself firmly, shaking his head and turning towards his modern clothes. That Rin is dead and gone. It's time to move on with this one.

 

He chooses a white shirt with thin black stripes along with a cerulean cardigan and black jeans. After debating it for a moment, he sprays on a bit of cologne—it wouldn't hurt to smell nice. He fusses with his hair for a moment and lets out a resigned sigh when it simply falls back into place, at which point he gives up on it. He doesn't usually care about impressing people―too much effort―but when it comes to Rin, well...that's a different story.

 

He feels something nudge his leg. Looking down, he sees his kitten staring up at him with big blue eyes, and a small smile pulls at his lips as he leans down to pick her up.

 

"Is it that obvious that I'm nervous?" he asks, carrying her out of the bathroom to the kitchen. He takes a bowl out of the cupboard with one hand and sets it on the counter, moving next to grab the bag of cat food from on top of the fridge. Scooping some into the bowl, he sets her down in front of it and pats her back gently as she begins to eat. "I'm scared. I shouldn't be, but...what if I mess up and say something weird? What if I scare him away?"

 

The kitten lifts her head to look at him, licking her lips, and he sighs. "You're a cat. You have no idea what I'm saying, so I don't know why I'm talking." Giving her one last pat on the head, he lifts her and the bowl of food and transfers them to the floor before heading to his closet to grab a jacket. He feels his eyes move toward Rin's old leather jacket immediately, and he bites his lip. He knows it would be pointless to wear it, but...he wants to do it anyway. It's stupid, but it'll be like taking a piece of a Rin who loved him with him for luck, and that thought makes him feel a little better. Even though things with the Rin who'd owned the coat hadn't ended well, they'd still loved each other, and Haru would hold on to that love for strength.

 

Slinging his bag over his shoulder and digging inside of it for his house keys, he calls out a goodbye to his cat and heads out the door, locking it behind him. He still has an hour and ten minutes left until he's supposed to be at Rin's, so on a whim, he decides to buy a bouquet of flowers from the flower shop down the street from his apartment. He sees a beautiful bouquet of white lilies and decides on them immediately, taking them up to the register to pay.

 

"Nice choice," the man behind the counter comments with a grin. Haru would think he's attractive if he didn't have eyes for Rin only—he has nice cornflower blue eyes and tousled pink hair, plus his smile is nice. But Haru merely appreciates his attractiveness like he appreciates the flowers—he's nice to look at, but that's all.

 

"I guess," Haru replies in a bored tone as he digs his wallet out of his bag. He hands over a sufficient amount of yen and watches as the man begins to wrap the flowers.

 

"I'm sure that the person you're giving them to will love them," he says as he begins tying a ribbon around the cellophane. Haru simply hums, drawing a laugh from the pink-haired man. "Not one for small talk, huh? That's fine, one of my best friends is the same way."

 

"I don't see the point in meaningless conversation," Haru tells him bluntly, shrugging. "If it feels forced, it's not worth it."

 

The man stares at him for a moment before throwing his head back and laughing loudly, clutching at his stomach. "I like you," he chortles, wiping tears from the corners of his eyes. "You seem like a no-bullshit kinda guy—I can appreciate that." He holds out the wrapped bouquet, and Haru takes it gently, not wanting to mess it up. "Now, cut the stems off before putting it in water, alright? There's flower food in there somewhere, don't forget to put that in too."

 

"Thanks," Haru says curtly, turning toward the door. Overly forward people have always gotten on his nerves, so he just wants to leave.

 

"Come back any time!" he hears just before the door closes behind him.

 

As soon as he's outside, he looks at Rin's address again. If he's remembering right, it's all the way across the city—meaning he's going to have to take the subway. Sighing, he heads toward the nearest station, dreading it the entire time. Subways are much too crowded for his liking...they always make him feel claustrophobic, as someone who doesn't like being around people very much.

 

As expected, it's packed when he steps onto the subway, and he ends up smushed uncomfortably against a wall. He does his best to tune out everything around him, but it's hard when someone keeps accidentally jabbing him with their elbow. He's worried about the flowers in his arms, trying to keep them from being crushed, but he can't quite tell if he's doing a good job or not with how squished everything is. He just hopes they still look alright by the time he gets to Rin's...

 

He finally gets off at the fifth stop, relief flooding his system as he steps onto the platform. That relief quickly fades, however, as he looks down at the bouquet in his hand. Several of the flowers are varying degrees of crushed―he feels his heart sink a little. He considers just throwing them out, but...he doesn't want to do that. He's sure Rin won't mind if he explains what happened to them, after all. It's still a little disappointing, but he supposes that it could be worse.

 

Squaring his shoulders, he holds the flowers as gently as he can so that they don't get wrecked even more and begins to head toward Rin's apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there you go, a look into their very first meeting! writing little rin makes my heart hurt (in a good way)
> 
> also rip haru's flowers lmao.........oh and look at [this](http://thelanguageofflowers.com) and scroll down till u see white lilies, look at the last part and then u will see why i chose them :^) (and if u do this, remember that there was a white lily in their hotel room in australia in eternal summer and then die with me)
> 
> as always, here's my [tumblr](http://nehkoma.tumblr.com) so hmu there or here if you have questions about this au!


	4. a temporary fix

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG! i hit some writer's block and my motivation wasn't very high, but i think im getting past that *crosses fingers*
> 
> anyway, i hope you enjoy the chapter!

Haru finds Rin's building after half an hour of looking for it. He's glad he gave himself extra time to find it―he would've been very late if he hadn't. He's still fifteen minutes early, though, so he waits in a nearby alleyway until there's only five minutes left until six o'clock. He doesn't want to seem too eager, after all.

 

According to the text message he'd gotten, Rin's apartment is on the third floor. Foregoing the elevator (he doesn't trust elevators, he's always scared they're going to break down), he moves toward the staircase and makes his way up. It takes a few minutes, so by the time he reaches the door marked '304', it's already a couple minutes past six.

 

He raises a hand to knock, but pauses before his knuckles make contact with the wood of the door. He was able to ignore the nerves on the way there, but now that he's standing in front of Rin's door...

 

_No,_ he tells himself silently, firmly shaking his head.  _This isn't the time to be nervous._ Before he can lose his nerve again, he delivers two sharp knocks on the door. His brow furrows when he hears something scrambling rapidly against the floor from behind the door, but his confusion quickly disappears when he hears a loud bark followed by whining.

 

Rin has a dog?

 

He hears Rin's muffled “Nao, shush!” before he hears footsteps coming toward the door, both human and canine. The door opens, and Haru barely has the time to widen his eyes before a large furry brown and black mass is tackling him to the floor.

 

“Nao! Oh my god, you big idiot! Get off of him!” Rin scolds, tugging on the dog's collar as it sniffs and licks Haru's face. Haru is too shocked to even move.

 

When Rin finally manages to get the dog off and inside the house, he extends a hand to Haru with an apologetic look on his face. “I'm so sorry about that, he's really excitable...”

 

Haru takes the offered hand and allows the taller man to help him stand, blinking dazedly. “It's fine...I just wasn't expecting it,” he replies, brushing fur off his cardigan. His black pants are covered in light brown fur, and he resists the urge to sigh. “I didn't know you had a dog.”

 

Rin's eyes widen. “Shit, that's not a problem, is it? You're not allergic or anything, right?”

 

“It's no problem, I like dogs,” he assures the frazzled redhead. “I'm more of a cat person, but...dogs are alright, too.”

 

Rin lets out a relieved sigh. “Oh thank god, I probably should have warned you but I ― ” He stops speaking abruptly as he zeroes in on the bouquet in Haru's hand. “You brought me flowers?” he asks, the slightest bit of color blossoming in his cheeks.

 

Suddenly feeling self-conscious, Haru slowly nods. “There's a flower shop down the street from my apartment. I wasn't about to show up empty-handed, so...” He looks down as he holds them out. “Sorry, the subway was a little crowded. They got kind of crushed.”

 

Rin takes them gently, holding them to his chest with an almost awestruck look on his face. “Don't apologize, it's fine. Haru, I...you didn't have to get me anything, you already did so much for me the other day...” A sniffle escapes him, and he hastily reaches up to rub at his eyes. “Thank you so much. I love them...”

 

“Hey, you don't have to cry...” Haru mumbles, cheeks reddening. “They're just flowers.”

 

Rin lets out an embarrassed laugh, eyes shining. “I know, but no one's ever gotten me flowers before. It's nice, I love flowers,” he explains with a fond smile, looking down at the slightly crushed lilies. “I'll take good care of them.” Looking up once more, he reopens the door to his apartment. “Let's head inside and get these in some water.”

 

Haru follows behind him, murmuring a soft “Sorry for the intrusion” as he slides his shoes off and places them on the mat.

 

“Nao should behave now that he's gotten a whiff of you,” Rin tells him, jerking his head toward where the large German Shepherd is laying on a huge pillow on the floor. “You said you're a cat person? Does that mean you have a cat?”

 

Haru nods. “A kitten. Her name is Mackerel,” he replies.

 

Rin nearly trips on his way to the kitchen. He's laughing loudly, head thrown back as he pauses to lean against a wall. “You named your cat Mackerel?” he wheezes, wiping at his eyes.

 

The black-haired male shrugs. “I like mackerel. The name suited her.”

 

Rin practically howls, slapping his knee repeatedly. “I'm sorry but that's hilarious,” he says, trying and failing to take a deep breath as he dissolves into laughter again.

 

Unable to help it, a small smile appears on Haru's lips. “I suppose so.”

 

Rin takes a moment to compose himself before continuing to move toward the kitchen, Haru following behind him. He looks around, noting that basically everything was one big room. The only thing Haru didn't see immediately was the bedroom and the bathroom ― everything else was combined.

 

“I'll give you the grand tour once I get these in water,” Rin informs him, setting the bouquet on the counter and heading to a cupboard to presumably dig out a vase. “Hm, I thought I had a vase in here somewhere...ah! This will work!” He pulls out a large glass and immediately fills it halfway with water, placing it next to the bouquet. He carefully tears open the cellophane wrapped around the flowers and pulls out the plant food inside, opening it and pouring it into the water, making the clear liquid slightly cloudy. “Do I have to cut these first?” he asks. “I know you do with some flowers...”

 

Haru nods. “That's what the guy who was working said, and I'd _assume_ he knows what he's talking about.” His expression sours as he thinks of the overly-friendly man who'd sold him the flowers, which doesn't go unnoticed by Rin.

 

“Was he a jerk or something? You look like you didn't like him very much,” he comments with a chuckle.

 

“No, he just talked too much,” he grumbles in response.

 

Rin snorts. “Yeah, you don't really strike me as much of a talker, even though you don't seem to mind talking to me...”

 

Haru looks away, embarrassed at Rin's observation. “I...don't mind talking when it's with you.” He realizes how weird it sounds the second it leaves his mouth, and he ends up biting the inside of his lip hard as he mentally freaks out.

 

But Rin only smiles as he starts cutting the stems of the lilies off. “I'm glad that you like talking to me, then. I feel honored.”

 

Haru watches as he gently gathers the freshly cut flowers and places them in the glass before lifting it and heading toward the only hallway in the apartment, gesturing with a flick of his hand for Haru to follow him.

 

“I'll show you around I guess,” the redhead says as they walk down the hall. He jerks his chin toward the first door on the left. “That's the bathroom, and―” his gaze moves to the next door on the left, “that's just a storage closet. Then the first door on the right is my sister's room and _this_ ,” he stops in front of the last door, “is my room.”

 

“Your sister lives with you?” Haru asks as they enter Rin's room. It's very spartan, completely opposite of what Haru was expecting, and like the rest of the apartment, it's Western-style. The walls are a clean white, their sole ornamentation being string lights hung around the room and a couple of photos. The bed is a decent size, with black sheets and four fluffy pillows in deep red pillowcases.

 

Rin hums in affirmation. “We figured it'd be cheaper to just live together. We lost the house a while back, and mom's been in the hospital for a while, so...yeah.” He swallows hard, placing the flowers on his desk before turning back to Haru. The smile on his face doesn't look genuine. “She's not here right now, don't worry, you don't have to meet her or anything.”

 

“I'd like to,” he blurts out. Clearing his throat, he continues, “Not tonight if it isn't possible, but...you speak fondly of her, I don't think I'd mind meeting her. What's her name?” He's so embarrassed, but Rin doesn't seem to mind.

 

“Her name is Gou,” he replies, looking a little surprised. “She'll insist that it's Kou, she thinks Gou is too manly, but...yeah. It's Gou.” He scratches the back of his neck. “She gets off work at nine if you feel like sticking around to meet her...”

 

He feels so awkward, and he silently curses himself. He remains cool on the outside, however, replying with a simple “Maybe.”

 

Rin clears his throat and moves closer. “Anyway, uh...let me take your coat, you can leave it on the bed so Nao doesn't get at it.”

 

Haru bites his lip, unzipping the leather jacket and sliding it off. He folds it in half and hands it to Rin, who looks at it with appreciative carmine eyes.

 

“This is a really cool jacket,” he comments, running his fingers over the fraying shark logo on the back. “Is it vintage? It looks really old.”

 

“It's...pretty old. Probably from around sixty years ago,” he says in a casual tone, trying to keep his voice from shaking. “My father gave it to me.” He figures that's a suitable explanation for why he has it and why he knows how old it is. He wishes he could tell Rin the truth, that it was once _his_ jacket in another lifetime, but he can't do that.

 

Like everything else, lying to Rin―even about small things like this―never gets any easier. _He'd freak out if he knew,_ he reminds himself. _You've tried telling him before. You did it last time, and look where that got you._

 

He doesn't want to think about it. He _really_ doesn't―he doesn't know if he can stay composed if he lets himself do that. And the last thing he wants to do is break down in front of Rin, honestly.

 

Rin clears his throat, getting Haru's attention, and the redhead looks almost nervous. “Hey, I meant to ask this the other day, and I'm sorry if I'm overstepping any boundaries or anything, but...are you alright? You just...I notice that you keep zoning out and getting this look on your face like you're in _pain_ or something,” he explains hesitantly, eyebrows lifted in concern. “You don't have to answer, I just...you helped me the other day, and if I can do the same for you, then I want to.”

 

Has he really gotten so bad at hiding his emotions? “It's nothing you need to worry about,” he mumbles, gripping his elbow and avoiding Rin's perceptive eyes. “I'll be fine.”

 

“Somehow I don't think that's the case,” Rin states, voice firm. “Haru, I know we only just met a couple days ago, but...you can trust me, okay? I don't even know why I feel so strongly about this, but―” He takes a deep breath, shaking his head. “Just...you don't have to suffer alone, man. If there's something I can do, please let me do it.”

 

“Rin, just drop it,” he says sharply, meeting red eyes with burning blue ones. He regrets his tone of voice immediately when he sees those eyes widen in shock and hurt―he immediately starts to mentally berate himself for snapping like that. “I'm...I'm not good at expressing myself, okay? I'm used to dealing with my problems by myself, so when people try and get into my space, I get defensive. I didn't mean to snap at you like that, and I'm sorry if I made it seem like I don't appreciate your concern, but...” He sighs, raking a hand through his hair in agitation as the words he wants to say escape him. “Thank you for your concern, but it isn't necessary. You don't need to worry about me,” he finally says, looking down. He's embarrassed about the outburst and he feels uncomfortable after saying so much about himself.

 

He's startled when Rin reaches out and takes his hand, giving it a squeeze. “I'm not going to let this go,” he begins, and Haru looks up from their joined hands to find red eyes staring at him with conviction. “I won't push you any more tonight, but...I want to become someone you feel comfortable enough with to confide in. That probably sounds weird as hell coming from someone you basically just met because it _definitely_ feels weird as hell to be saying it, but...god it's so fucking dumb and weird but I feel so _close_ to you, Haru, like...like I've known you for my entire life or something crazy like that. I've never felt so comfortable around someone so quickly before―I feel like I can just talk about anything and you'll listen to me without complaining, y'know?” His cheeks burn brighter with every word he says, but he continues speaking anyway. “I must sound so crazy right now, don't I? I just...I wanna be there for you, okay?”

 

“Rin, I...” He's almost speechless, and he feels warmth bubbling up inside of him. He's touched, but...he still needs Rin to understand. “...it's not something that can be fixed just by talking about it,” he finally says, picking at the hem of his cardigan. “I appreciate that you feel so strongly about this, but you really don't have to worry about me. This is something I need to deal with on my own.”

 

“You're so stubborn,” Rin mutters, shaking his head. “Just promise me this, then: if it ever gets to be too much for you to handle, come to me okay? You aren't alone. I don't know what your situation is and I don't know if you have anyone around to be a support for you, but you have me now. We've only known each other for a couple days, but...ugh, I care about you, okay? I want you to be okay.” Even his ears have gone red at this point, and Haru resists the urge to smile.

 

What Rin doesn't understand, what Haru can't even tell him, is that he's already helping more than he realizes. Even though Haru knows that this is just the high before the crash...

 

Rin is...he's like a bandage―and the second that bandage gets ripped off, he's only going to worse than he did before. But while that bandage is there, covering the wound, it helps to give the illusion of the pain being gone. Haru knows that it's not healthy to put himself through this vicious cycle over and over again, but he also doesn't care―he'll take the pain a million times over if it means he gets to be with Rin.

 

“There's really nothing to worry about,” he mumbles, rubbing the back of his neck. “But...fine. I'll come to you if I ever need to talk.” He's saying it to appease Rin more than anything else―he'll never _actually_ talk to him about the stuff that bothers him. He _can't_.

 

Rin seems to believe him, because a warm smile appears on his face. “Thank you, Haru.” He lets go of Haru's hand and heads toward the door, beckoning for Haru to follow. “C'mon, I need to cook the fish. I'm hungry as hell and I'm sure you must be, too.”

 

Haru perks up instantly. “Fish?”

 

Rin lets out a laugh, slinging an arm around Haru's shoulder with ease. “I got the feeling you'd appreciate fish for dinner for some reason. I'm glad I was right.”

 

If Haru could kiss him without it being weird, he'd do it in a heartbeat.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't wanna sound like im whining or anything, but getting comments is super encouraging yall! i was kinda sad that no one commented on chapter 3 tbh bc it made me worry that it wasn't good? so like feedback is honestly really appreciated! even if it's just a simple "i really liked this part!" or something like that, it really goes a long way c:
> 
> as always, here's the ol' [tumblr](http://nehkoma.tumblr.com)
> 
> i'll try and get the next chapter out as soon as possible! you can always ask me about my progress on tumblr B)


	5. memory of the past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaaaand we're back! this chapter decided to kick my ass near the end, but i finally managed to get something im content with down! i think this might actually be the longest chapter yet, so that's cool i guess B)
> 
> i've been listening to the free! ost a lot, so the chapter title is actually named after on of the songs i mainly listened to! (mostly bc im unoriginal and titles aren't my forte PLUS it fit the chapter soooo)
> 
> anyway, enjoy the new chapter!

“Haru, you're _not_ doing the dishes,” Rin says firmly as he forces Haru out into the living room. They'd just finished their meals and cleared off the table, and Haru had insisted that he should help with the cleanup but Rin wasn't having any of it. “You're my guest, I'm not letting you do that. Just sit here and watch tv or something, I'll be done in like ten minutes tops.”

 

Haru huffs, grudgingly allowing himself to be pushed down onto the couch. “Fine, have it your way,” he mumbles, reaching for his bag.

 

Rin grins at him before heading back to the kitchen, and Haru can hear the water running as he fills up the sink. Letting out a sigh, he pulls his sketchbook and pencil case from his bag and flips to a new page. He takes his favorite pencil out of the case and taps it against his chin, biting his lip. His eyes land on the giant sleeping form of Nao on the pillow across the room, and immediately he begins to sketch. He's had a very long time to practice and refine his skills, so by now, drawing the things he sees around him is practically as easy as breathing. He doesn't really have to think about it as his pencil scratches across the paper―his hand might as well have a mind of its own.

 

Drawing has always been a comfort to him ever since he decided to start doing it. He picked it up several centuries ago, during one of the times when Rin wasn't around. It was something to help make the hole in his heart a little smaller, he supposed.

 

At his apartment, he has a trunk full of every drawing he'd ever done of Rin. And he's drawn Rin many, many times―he was what he automatically started to draw more often than not. Before cameras existed, it was basically his only way of preserving his memory of each Rin, so he made sure to take very good care of his drawings. He's also been adding photos to the chest ever since cameras were invented―they were just as precious to him, if not more so than the drawings.

 

“Haru, that's incredible!”

 

He nearly jumps at the sound of Rin's voice behind him, his head whipping around so fast that his neck cracks. “Don't sneak up on me like that,” he says with a pout, shifting nervously. It always makes him nervous when Rin sees his art, even though he always ends up loving it.

 

“Sorry, I just―I can't believe you drew that so quickly!” the redhead exclaims, walking around the couch so that he can sit next to Haru. “It looks just like him,” he adds, looking between the paper and his dog in awe.

 

Haru bites the inside of his lower lip before beginning to rip the paper from his sketchbook. He holds it out to Rin, feeling very self-conscious and vulnerable as he does so. “If you like it so much, you can keep it.”

 

Rin's eyes practically sparkle. “Really? You don't mind giving it away?”

 

Haru shrugs to mask the anxiety he feels. “It's just a sketch.”

 

Rin scoffs. “'Just a sketch' he says. You're ridiculous, Haru. If that's a sketch, I can't even _imagine_ how incredible your actual drawings must be,” he mutters, shaking his head.

 

Haru inexplicably feels his lips twist into a smile. “Do you want it or not?” he asks, raising an eyebrow.

 

“Not until you sign it.”

 

Haru snorts. “Like I said, it's just a sketch. Do I really need to sign it?”

 

“Yes! I can't accept it if the artist doesn't sign it,” he says firmly.

 

Shaking his head in amusement, Haru quickly signs the corner of the page. “There.” He holds it out once more, feeling much less anxious about it than before, and Rin takes it this time. He stares at it with admiration plain on his face, and Haru would be lying if he said it didn't embarrass him a little.

 

“I'm definitely gonna put this on my wall,” he announces proudly. “Thank you, Haru. I really like it a lot.”

 

Haru averts his eyes out of embarrassment. “It's not that big of a deal, you don't have to thank me. But...” He swallows hard, feeling his palms start to sweat. “Maybe next time, if you want, I can cook you dinner at my place? I can show you my _actual_ art then, like the paintings and stuff...since you seem to like it so much.” He says the last part quickly, his heart pounding with nerves, and peeks at Rin out of the corner of his eye.

 

Rin is smiling widely. “I'd really like that.”

 

Needing to shift the attention from himself, Haru clears his throat and asks, “So how is your mother doing?”

 

Rin's face immediately tightens, and Haru regrets asking at all. He's about to tell him that he doesn't have to talk about it if he doesn't want to, but the redhead starts speaking before he can. “She's...pretty much the same as she was the other day. I suppose it's good since she hasn't gotten any worse? But she hasn't really gotten any better either...” He lets out a heavy sigh, his shoulders sagging like they hold the weight of the world. “I keep hoping for some kind of miracle, but...it's so fucking hard to stay positive. I do my best to stay strong for Gou, but I don't know how much longer I can keep it up to be completely honest. I really don't want her to worry more than she already is, though...”

 

Biting his lip, Haru reaches out to rest his hand on top of Rin's. “You're a good brother, Rin, but I'm sure your sister doesn't expect you to be strong all the time―she's in college right?” Rin nods. “So she's an adult, just like you. You can't protect her from everything; it's okay to lean on her once in a while. You two can get through this together. Don't fight the current―you'll only tire yourself out and drown if you do.”

 

“I just... _fuck_ , Haru, I'm so scared,” he whispers, carmine eyes filling with tears. “When I was ten, I lost my dad. He was a fisherman, and his boat sank. It was fucking _awful_ ―Gou cried so much. I don't wanna see her cry like that ever again, y'know? If our mom dies...” His voice cracks, and he swallows hard. “I don't know if I can be strong for her the way that mom was strong for us when dad died. She's incredible, Haru―she only ever cried in front of us once, and that was at the funeral. She made sure we could be happy no matter what, and I just...I don't know if I can ever be that strong. Even the _thought_ of losing her makes me cry.” He reaches up to wipe the tears that are dribbling down his cheeks. “I feel like I'm fucking ten years old again. I haven't even lost her yet, but I'm acting like she's already gone.”

 

“Don't give up yet,” Haru says softly. “Your mother sounds like an incredible woman―I'm sure she won't go down without a fight.”

 

“She puts on a brave face for us, but I _know_ she's in a lot of pain right now and I just―I feel so fucking _helpless_ , Haru. I can't do anything except pay for her treatments and hope that they work, and I'm barely even managing to do that much. What kind of son am I if I can't even take care of my mother?”

 

“You can't magically cure incurable illnesses, Rin. Don't...don't beat yourself up over something that's impossible for you to do.” His free hand grips his own leg as he says it, unwanted images from the past flooding into his mind.

 

He feels Rin's free hand rest on top of his own, and instantly the tension leaves him as he looks over to meet sad red eyes. “...you've lost someone because of something like this, haven't you?” he asks quietly, sounding subdued.

 

_More people than you can imagine,_ he thinks to himself. Out loud, he says, “Yes, so...I know how hopeless you feel, Rin. I know you think that you should be able to do something more than you're doing because it doesn't seem like enough, does it? But trust me, you're already doing everything you possibly can. You're...you're only human.” A human whose lifespan was like the blink of an eye to Haru. A human who can get sick at any time. A human who can die much too easily.

 

Haru can't decide if he hates or envies him for that.

 

“Anyway, just...don't blame yourself for something that you can't control. It gets you nowhere,” he finishes, looking down at their hands. Rin's are paler than his own, and very soft, with long but thin fingers that look elegant even when they're still. There are scars on his knuckles, which causes Haru's brow to furrow. “Why are your knuckles scarred?”

 

A small embarrassed laugh leaves the redhead. “High school wasn't really the proudest time of my life. I was really angry at a lot of things, and I kinda started hanging around the wrong people so that combination led to me getting into a lot of fights. I'm really not proud of it at all―I was a fucking asshole. I...I made a lot of trouble for my mom,” he admits, rubbing the back of his neck as his expression becomes troubled. “She never even yelled at me, y'know? She was just worried. She wanted me to be safe, but I caused her a lot of grief.” Biting his lip, he slowly lifts one side of his shirt to reveal pale, mostly unblemished skin―only mostly, because right above his hip lies a jagged white scar that's maybe two inches long. “I got into a really bad fight one day. Three people jumped me on my way home―I'd beaten up one of their buddies pretty badly the week before and so they came for revenge I guess, and...one of them brought a knife. He tried to stab me, but I jumped out of the way and got away with just a slice instead. Someone heard the fighting and called the cops, and I had to be taken to the hospital for stitches and shit.” He takes a deep, shaky breath as he lets his shirt fall. “I've never seen my mom look so terrified in my entire life as she did when she got to the hospital. She should've been mad that I'd gotten myself into that situation, but...instead, she just begged me to stop. Said she didn't know what she'd do if she lost me, too, and I guess something finally clicked inside of me after that. I realized how fucking stupid I was being and how much stress I was giving my mom, so I stopped. I switched high schools for my last year, cut off all contact with the people I'd been hanging around, and I cleaned up my act.” A resigned sigh leaves him as he looks at his scarred knuckles. “Still have all these ugly scars, though. Can't seem to get rid of 'em. Guess they're a good reminder, at least.”

 

“I don't think they're ugly,” Haru says quietly, reaching out to gently run his fingers over the slightly raised pale scars. “Scars tell a story―even if you aren't the same person you were when they were still new, they're still an important part of your past and who you are.”

 

Rin's eyes are intense, blinking slowly as he murmurs, “I wonder what kind of stories you have to tell.”

 

Avoiding Rin's eyes, Haru removes his hand from where it's touching the redhead's scars. “My stories are very long, and...I don't like to think about them very much,” he mumbles, locking his fingers together as his thumbs nervously rub together. “I'm sure they'd bore you, anyway. I don't think you'd really like them.”

 

“I'm sure that's not true,” Rin argues, eyebrows knitting together. “I won't push you, though. You don't have to say anything you don't want to say.” It's easy to see that he's burning with curiosity, and Haru wishes he could just give in and tell him―maybe he'd be amazed instead of afraid or disbelieving. It's not even like he hasn't told other Rins in the past, because he _has_ , but...it went so badly last time that he's too scared to. He can't take the chance of the same thing happening again. He _won't_.

 

“...thank you, Rin,” he says lamely, angry at himself for being so scared. It's just...an outsider might think it shouldn't matter to Haru if one lifetime with Rin is cut short―after all, he has forever right? But Haru treasures each and every moment he has with Rin; every single one of them has had their subtle differences, and he wants to learn everything he can about each of them. Every little thing he learns only makes him fall more in love than he was before, which is both a blessing and a curse. It's like he's slowly sinking into a pit of quicksand, but he doesn't even want to save himself. He's content to sink until he can sink no further.

 

The redhead waves a hand dismissively, offering a smile. “Don't thank me for being a decent human being, Haru,” he replies, playfully nudging Haru's shoulder with his own. He glances at a nearby clock, pursing his lips. “Gou won't be home for another hour and a half, so what do you say we watch a movie? You can pick.”

 

Haru likes movies―they're practically the only thing he actually enjoys about modern technology. Being able to watch stories over and over again is a wondrous thing, at least in his opinion. “I wouldn't mind watching a movie,” he answers with a shrug.

 

Rin grins before heaving himself off the couch, pointing to a cabinet beside the tv. “Cool. Movies are in there, I'll make us some popcorn.”

 

Haru picks something at random, pulling a slim case off the shelf and laying it on top of the dvd player before returning to the couch. He can hear popping coming from the kitchen, and already the smell has started to reach him. Within moments, Rin returns to the living room, two glasses of water and a giant bowl of popcorn in hand. Haru takes the bowl from him, which had been tucked between his arm and his chest, allowing him to put the glasses on the coffee table. Rin then heads over to the dvd player while Haru begins to munch on the popcorn, taking a few pieces and popping them into his mouth.

 

When Rin picks up the dvd case, he lets out a snort. “ _Really_? You want to watch _Sharknado_?”

 

The black-haired man shrugs. “I just picked a random movie, we don't have to watch it if you don't want to.”

 

Rin snorts. “Nah, I'm cool with this.” He kneels down to put the disc in and flicks the tv on, grabbing the remotes and turning out the lights before returning to sit beside Haru. “You don't mind me turning the lights off, right? I hate watching tv with them on.”

 

“It's fine,” Haru assures him, leaning back against the cushions. Rin scoots closer so that he can comfortably reach the bowl of popcorn on Haru's lap, and the dark-haired man's breath catches in his throat as their arms bump together. It's stupid―he's already held his hand multiple times and even wiped his tears, but somehow, being in the dark makes everything feel more intimate, even a simple brush of their arms. He remains cool, however, not wanting to accidentally scare Rin off or something like that.

 

After a few minutes, Haru begins to regret his choice of movie. Whatever they're watching is completely ridiculous―sharks falling from the sky and killing people? It makes no sense. The special effects are also horrid, awful enough that even Haru, who is almost completely out of touch with modern technology, thinks they're bad.

 

At some point, Nao ambles over from his cushion and lays his head on Rin's lap, staring up at him with pleading brown eyes. Rin chuckles at this before giving him a couple pieces of popcorn, scratching his head as he chews. Even in the low-light, Haru can see in Rin's eyes just how much he adores his dog, and it makes him crack the smallest of smiles. Rin happens to look over before the smile can disappear, a smile of his own on his face as he asks, “What are you smiling at me like that for?”

 

“I was just thinking that it's nice that you love him so much,” he replies, reaching out to scratch behind the Shepherd's ears. “He's lucky to have such a good owner.”

 

“He's a big dork, I can't help but love him,” Rin tells him, looking slightly embarrassed. Haru thinks that's kind of cute. “Okay, Nao, no more popcorn. Go lay down,” he says firmly. The dog gives each of their hands a lick before shuffling back to his pillow and plopping down with a soft groan, resting his head on his paws and closing his eyes.

 

“He's a good dog,” Haru murmurs, taking a handful of popcorn and popping some in his mouth.

 

“Yeah, he really is.” There's a fond tone in his voice as his says it, and his eyes soften ever so slightly. “Anyway, stop hogging all the popcorn,” he grumbles, pulling the bowl over so that it rests half on his leg, half on Haru's. “That's better.”

 

Haru huffs. “I wasn't hogging it, you just didn't want to have to reach for it.”

 

Rin scoffs. “It wasn't even on your lap anymore, it was on the couch beside you. You were _definitely_ hogging it.”

 

They bickered for a few more moments before falling silent, aside from Rin's occasional snickers at the awful movie they were watching. But then there was a period of extended silence, and just as Haru was going to look over and see why Rin was so quiet, a head of red hair slid to rest on his shoulder.

 

Rin was sleeping.

 

He wasn't surprised, not really at least; he hadn't wanted to comment on them, but the deep purple bags beneath his eyes were a testament to how little sleep he must have been getting. It makes Haru feel protective―he wishes he could just take all his worries away so that he wouldn't have to look so exhausted.

 

With as minimal movement as possible so that he doesn't accidentally jostle Rin and wake him, Haru moves the bowl onto the coffee table. He then proceeds to carefully move into a position that would be more comfortable for the both of them, his heart racing at their proximity. He was used to Rin using his shoulder as a pillow, it had happened a million times in the past, but...the first time of each lifetime was always nerve-wracking.

 

Keeping his touch as light as possible, knowing that he probably shouldn't be doing it at all, Haru slowly begins to card his fingers through Rin's hair. There's hairspray or something in the top so he doesn't touch it there, not wanting to mess it up. The ends are still soft, though, sliding through his fingers like threads of the finest red silk. When Rin shifts and makes a soft noise against his shoulder, he lets his hand drop in fear of Rin waking up and finding him touching his hair like some weirdo.

 

With the softest of sighs, Haru turns his attention back to the sad excuse for a movie. He figures he'll let Rin sleep a while longer.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just wanna say that im absolutely blown away by all the support this fic is getting. i got SO MANY nice comments on chapter 4, and i want to thank every one who took the time to leave one--you guys really helped brighten the past week, which has been a little hard for me (i won't get into my personal life here though). i never thought people would respond so positively to this fic, to be completely honest, so it's a great feeling to know that people are enjoying it so much! i'll do my best to continue to meet your expectations!
> 
> in other news, im currently working on writing one of rin's past lives! it's actually the one right before the current lifetime, aka the one with the leather jacket c; some of you are very curious about that, so i hope i can finish it and get it up here soon!
> 
> as always, you can find me [here](http://nehkoma.tumblr.com) on tumblr, or you can just drop me a comment if you have any questions about this au!
> 
> (btw: pls watch sharknado if you've never seen it, it's fuckin wild)

**Author's Note:**

> it's a little on the short side, but i think it sets things up pretty nicely? anyway, i have a few more chapters done already, i'll probably upload the next one in a couple days so stay tuned my lovelies B)
> 
> also this is my first multichap fic in like 4 yrs so pls bear with me while i get used to it again lmao
> 
> follow me on [tumblr](http://nehkoma.tumblr.com) and cry abt rinharu w/ me :^)


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